Manor Musings

So it’s been just over 2 years since my world changed with my husband’s cancer diagnosis. Our kids, who were 8 and 11 at the time needed normalcy, as much as they could get. Stephen needed to live (obviously) and I needed help of every kind imaginable “to get through” whatever lay on this journey ahead. And that was only the beginning.

Through the experience over the next year, I wrote updates for family and friends whenever there were updates on a separate, private site so that we didn’t have to remember who to tell what or what we had told to whom – it was all there. It was so helpful in more ways than one. Friends and acquaintances would tell me it completely removed the awkwardness of being afraid to ask how things were and what was going on and how they could help since I put it all out there. There was a way for me to go in put things I wanted help with like drop kid 1 at hockey at 4pm or mow lawn every 2 weeks and from there, angels from our community signed up and helped. Some people we knew well but many others we did not. I learned that when people say they want to help, they truly do and there is a gift you can give them by letting them in. It was hard to do but I knew at the outset, once we had diagnosis confirmed and treatments to go through that no matter what kind of strong, independent woman I was (and I was!) that this was bigger than me. Damnit. A lot bigger.

Writing though helped me as well. I could say what was going on and how I felt about it and that in and of itself was cathartic somehow. There was a hole left a year ago when the posts stopped and it’s taken me 6 months of dealing with my parents right after and now the most recent 6 month period sorting out and making sense in my brain of what we’ve all just been through and will continue to adjust to for the rest of our lives. There is still a heck of a lot of sifting and processing to do, I think writing here will help. I have no idea if I’ll ever share the link to this site with friends or family or that anyone will in fact read any of these musings but I guess that’s not really the point anyway is it.

I have secretly wanted to be a writer my whole adult life but never thought it was a viable career I could make money at and live the life I wanted. I didn’t have the courage to even try. I took what some university professor doubted about my writing abilities and switched majors. Why was I so quick to allow a stranger’s opinion shape my future? Over the years in other adventures I’ve had, more than one person has told me that I write beautifully (their words not mine), and I have always brushed the compliment aside and scoffed a bit like ‘yeh, right’ but what if? Perhaps there is a little voice in my head that has been there all along encouraging me to write and go back to writing and keep trying to write at all these different stages in my life because that is the path I’m meant to take. Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know. I don’t have the answers yet but I’m here on this blog – which sounds very 1990’s – who has a blog anymore? I don’t think anyone does. Anyway, I’m coming to you here from Foxley Manor and this is the beginning of Manor Musings. Buckle up.